This morning I was trying to remember exactly when Leo Messi entered into the soccer consciousness as something more than just "the next big thing". I remember the shaggy haired kid impressing during the Rijkaard era at Barcelona, and perhaps beginning to generate the belief that he was something truly special by the time he won his first Champions League title, the little guy scoring an improbably header against Manchester United in 2009. By the time these two teams again contested the European championship two years later, Messi was firmly established next to Cristiano Ronaldo as one of the two best players in the world. In the years to come he repeatedly demonstrated his otherworldly ability to dissect defenses. Even when teams set up specifically to deny him time on the ball, Leo somehow found pathways to goal. By the time Barça when their third and (apparently last) European title with Messi, he was regularly mentioned as possibly the greatest player of all time.

I've always been fond of the little Argentinian, having watched him in amazement since at least 2008. My personal bias is that he has always had an edge on Cristiano Ronaldo as the current best player, but this is a certainly subjective. I definitely admired the Barça team approach, exemplified by the excellence of their youth academy La Masia, more than Ronaldo's cult of personality, but this preference has softened (but not reversed) in recent years. It's been painful to watch Barcelona's backslide, largely precipitated by the poaching of Neymar by Paris St. Germain. Messi has suffered as the club's defense has crumbled and as it has become increasingly apparent that they are critically dependent on him to win games for them. This culminated in their recent embarassment by Bayern Munich in the Champions League, an 8-2 pounding in which their shortcomings were made painfully clear. It has also been sad to watch the Barcelona administration descend into infighting, highlighted by repeated indirect and semidirect assertions that Messi's influence has been at the heart of the crisis. From my point of view, he has done his best to use his influence to right the ship, without turning unnecessarily or destructively vindictive.

However this morning's news that he has told Barcelona that he wants to leave appears to indicate that his patience and goodwill towards the club have finally expired. I had always believed he would retire at Barça, his only professional club having come to Spain at age 14. However it seems the Barcelona board have finally pushed him too far. Rumors are now swirling that the new (and decidedly lackluster) Barcelona coach Ronald Koeman told Leo "your privileges here are over" at their first meeting ... not a great way to ingratiate yourself with your most important player. While Messi's release clause is €700m (an amount no club could afford in the era of Financial Fair Play), amazingly reports are emerging that he has another clause in his contract that says he can leave for free if he notifies the club in advance. Naturally Barcelona are claiming that he needed to inform them by May 31 to exercise this clause, however during this COVID-19-altered season, it would seem he has a reasonable argument against that interpretation. It is yet another sad addition to 2020, the end of an era in Catalonia. What goes up, must come down.

Naturally now the rumor mill has kicked into overdrive regarding where Messi could go. No one is paying €700m, but assuming Barcelona want to get something for a player who could leave for free when his contract expires next summer, you would think they would want to deal. Neymar was sold to PSG for €250m (his release price), but in this COVID-19 market i would guess Messi might get sold for €150m. Or, if his interpretation of his contract is correct, he could go for free wherever right now. His wages present another financial challenge for any new club. The current most-mentioned suitor is Manchester City, coached by the man who first raised Messi to his current heights, Pep Guardiola. It seems outrageous that a club that avoided serious punishment by FFP solely by technicalities and legal scorched earth could further turn their noses up at the rules, but that's the world we live in. Following the money, you might also expect PSG to make a play to reunite him with Neymar. Wouldn't it be fun to see the two rivals Messi and Ronaldo finally play in the same side at Juventus? I don't think he fits into the youth movement at Chelsea, but then i can't rule out Roman Abramovich trying to out-flash Man City. It wouldn't be the first time he's let reputation come before strategy (*cough* Shevchenko *cough*).

In the end, it makes me sad that it has come to this. But i will always remember fondly Ray Hudson routinely going berserk at Leo's magical exploits.

It is a function of aging that we get laden with more and more responsibilities, to the point that the version of ourselves from 20 years ago would be screaming uncle. It's nothing new, this has been the way of the world for eons. Now that i have a son, i sometimes look at him and marvel at how blissfully unaware he is of the trials and tribulations of the universe, content to live every moment for pure enjoyment. Indeed, it's my job now to ensure that he can enjoy these youthful days while i shoulder the loads he will one day take on for himself. However, it begs the question of just how much one can take on their back. If i was more religious, i would be offering the Christian maxim god won't give you more than you can handle, which as it turns out doesn't actually have a basis in the scriptures. However seeing as i turned my back on organized religion years ago, i find myself questioning that statement. 2020 appears to be a case study in that skepticism. Aside from having a bona fide sociopath running the country, we're now neck deep in a pandemic the likes of which no one has lived through (in this country) since 1918. I had always wondered what it would be like to live through a war or some other cataclysmic event that immediately disposed of any sense of "routine", and by god that half wish was granted. Last month i got the sad news that my long time mentor Sam Gambhir had succumbed to cancer. I had known for a year that he was seriously ill, however his passing came not 12 hours after an online ceremony where he was awarded the Stanford Dean's medal, making it that much more shocking. And today i learned that an old friend of mine from my postdoc days in Boston just passed away suddenly. Is this more than i can handle?

I always think back to the otherwise awful Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and the line spoken by Indy's colleague, "We've reached the point where life stops giving us things and starts taking them away". It's a half truth to be sure ... i was given Mateo just over 4 years ago. But certainly the rate at which friends are being taken away is accelerating, and COVID-19 is only making it worse. Again, the religious cliche says that such experiences make you value the truly important things in life that much more, and that is not without merit. The question is how to keep the mind from getting bogged down in misery and hopelessness from the onslaught of ... well ... shit. Focusing on Mateo helps but is certainly not a cure all. I've got the Helio Sequence on now, and the line "but all the kids that are raised in the free fall, and from the silence of a pacified strip mall ... they pay the wage with the dollars of gravity, on their bedside, oh, my conscience calls to me" seems especially apropos. Finding something to focus on ... family, friends, spirituality, ANYTHING ... seems a must. I find myself craving those experiences where i feel the tears welling up, almost actively encouraging the dams in my eyes to break. Whether it is from a loss, or from a piece of good news or triumph, or just hearing a song that connects on that base level.

Perhaps this explains why there are certain parts of my life to which I cling desperately despite having aged out of the target demographic. I still will do my manic Ian Curtis crazily around my living room or office when a song like "Insight" comes on (guess your dreams always end, they don't rise up just descend). If anything, age has made me care less and less about whether anyone sees me in this state. There's a catharsis in music that I have yet to find in any so-called "adult" activity. On the basis of that, i plan to keep delving into music made by twentysomethings when i'm being fitted for bifocals (which sadly is not too far off). Although i pride myself on getting into the latest hottest indie acts, this may also explain why i gravitate to genres like C86 that recall my youth. Nothing like spinning and shaking to a chainsaw guitar and a bubble gum melody.

A last resonant lyric from my shuffling iTunes, from South: "now's the time to lose yourself".