It is a function of aging that we get laden with more and more responsibilities, to the point that the version of ourselves from 20 years ago would be screaming uncle. It's nothing new, this has been the way of the world for eons. Now that i have a son, i sometimes look at him and marvel at how blissfully unaware he is of the trials and tribulations of the universe, content to live every moment for pure enjoyment. Indeed, it's my job now to ensure that he can enjoy these youthful days while i shoulder the loads he will one day take on for himself. However, it begs the question of just how much one can take on their back. If i was more religious, i would be offering the Christian maxim god won't give you more than you can handle, which as it turns out doesn't actually have a basis in the scriptures. However seeing as i turned my back on organized religion years ago, i find myself questioning that statement. 2020 appears to be a case study in that skepticism. Aside from having a bona fide sociopath running the country, we're now neck deep in a pandemic the likes of which no one has lived through (in this country) since 1918. I had always wondered what it would be like to live through a war or some other cataclysmic event that immediately disposed of any sense of "routine", and by god that half wish was granted. Last month i got the sad news that my long time mentor Sam Gambhir had succumbed to cancer. I had known for a year that he was seriously ill, however his passing came not 12 hours after an online ceremony where he was awarded the Stanford Dean's medal, making it that much more shocking. And today i learned that an old friend of mine from my postdoc days in Boston just passed away suddenly. Is this more than i can handle?

I always think back to the otherwise awful Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and the line spoken by Indy's colleague, "We've reached the point where life stops giving us things and starts taking them away". It's a half truth to be sure ... i was given Mateo just over 4 years ago. But certainly the rate at which friends are being taken away is accelerating, and COVID-19 is only making it worse. Again, the religious cliche says that such experiences make you value the truly important things in life that much more, and that is not without merit. The question is how to keep the mind from getting bogged down in misery and hopelessness from the onslaught of ... well ... shit. Focusing on Mateo helps but is certainly not a cure all. I've got the Helio Sequence on now, and the line "but all the kids that are raised in the free fall, and from the silence of a pacified strip mall ... they pay the wage with the dollars of gravity, on their bedside, oh, my conscience calls to me" seems especially apropos. Finding something to focus on ... family, friends, spirituality, ANYTHING ... seems a must. I find myself craving those experiences where i feel the tears welling up, almost actively encouraging the dams in my eyes to break. Whether it is from a loss, or from a piece of good news or triumph, or just hearing a song that connects on that base level.

Perhaps this explains why there are certain parts of my life to which I cling desperately despite having aged out of the target demographic. I still will do my manic Ian Curtis crazily around my living room or office when a song like "Insight" comes on (guess your dreams always end, they don't rise up just descend). If anything, age has made me care less and less about whether anyone sees me in this state. There's a catharsis in music that I have yet to find in any so-called "adult" activity. On the basis of that, i plan to keep delving into music made by twentysomethings when i'm being fitted for bifocals (which sadly is not too far off). Although i pride myself on getting into the latest hottest indie acts, this may also explain why i gravitate to genres like C86 that recall my youth. Nothing like spinning and shaking to a chainsaw guitar and a bubble gum melody.

A last resonant lyric from my shuffling iTunes, from South: "now's the time to lose yourself".