This is the guy we've entrusted to steady the ship at Stamford Bridge after José Mourinho's ignominious exit? Can someone poke him to make sure he's still alive? It's good to know the extras from Shaun of the Dead are finding work.

The situation has become downright laughable at Chelsea following the early season drama. Injuries, infighting, corporate meddling, lousy summer buys exposed ... how could this get any worse? I'll let my pessimistic imagination run wild for a second ...

• After getting kicked in the face last season by Vassiriki Diaby (accidentally) and having his cheekbone broken by Clint Dempsey last week (accidentally), John Terry's head is ripped off by El Hadji Diouf (accidentally) during this weekend's game against Bolton. The injury keeps him on the sidelines for two weeks.
• After his son watches video of the 1970 World Cup on Youtube, Roman Abramovich buys Pelé for £60 million. Nary a peep is heard from the boardroom or the management staff at Stamford Bridge.
• Peter Kenyon and two beefy guys named Juri and Vlad are photographed delivering silver briefcases to Cristiano Ronaldo, Cesc Fabregas, Kaká, Samuel Eto'o, and due to an apparent typographical error, Sheffield plumber Gerrard Stevens.
• New zombie coach Avram Grant takes Michael Essien's flexibility several steps further, starting him as goalkeeper for a couple of matches before installing him as fitness coach.
• Having not yet played for Chelsea in this year's Champions League competition due to a muscle tear, Frank Lampard opts to move to Barcelona during the January transfer window. Because he arrived before the Roman revolution, Abramovich insists Lampard is secondary to the club's success and to prove his point sells him for a mere £2 million. Lampard goes on to supplant Xavi as Bara's midfield lynchpin and scores four goals against his old club in the Champions League quarterfinal. Meanwhile, Abramovich spends his £2 million on the rights to a Brazilian 11 year-old.
• Eager to bolster our defense and thrilled that bargain pickup Tal Ben Haim has been personally responsible for allowing only 8 or 9 goals this season, the Stamford Bridge brain trust signs Dublin pub team regular Paddy Murphy on a free transfer.