if you must just take, then i'm a piece of cake

and on that teachers' training day we wrote our names on every train laughed at the people off to work so monochrome and so lukewarm and i can see our days are becoming nights i could feel your heartbeat across the grass we should have run i would go with you anywhere i should have kissed you by the water and our love could have soared over playgrounds and rooftops every park bench screams your name i kept your tie i'd have gone wherever you wanted i still remember

Once upon a time, four friends with a shared love of music got together in one's loft and decided to start a band. One had a quite accomplished musical history, another had taught himself how to play guitar to a modest level of competence, another had just bought a bass and begun learning, and the last played no instrument but had personality in spades (ie, lead singer material). Renovating a room in the loft into an ad hoc studio, the fledgling outfit began practicing. As is frequently the case, the young band focused on cover songs to fill out their repertoire. This particular band wound up spending many evenings performing a single garage rock tune by thee Headcoats.

As is also not an uncommon occurrence, the group was not fated for superstardom. Having spent as much time coming up with a name ... "Kingsley" was liked by all, but in what form? "Kingsley"? "The Kingsleys"? The decidedly psychedelic "The Kingsley Eyes"? ... as practicing their art, progress was slow and the collective, while remaining friends, gradually abandoned their musical aspirations.

But having performed the one Headcoats song more times than he could count, the outfit's guitar player found it burned into his brain but unable to recall the name of the track. Many years later, he would spend hours poring over the collected works of head Headcoat Billy Childish, including the aforementioned Headcoats, solo material, the Headcoatees, the Milkshakes, thee Headcoats Sect, and thee Mighty Caesars, but to no avail. This wealth of garage rock would be stored for posterity in his iTunes library, but the former guitarist was resigned to the fact that the song was lost forever, hidden among the deluge of records Billy Childish has released.

Then one day, through the divine providence of random play, he would find himself working away in his office with iTunes shuffling through his music library, and a hauntingly familiar bass line would come across his headphones ...

i need a love that lasts for just one day
because my love dies everyday

The R01 application is progressing nicely, no doubt thanks in large part to the fact that i've been working on it every waking moment for the last two weeks. I'm very pleased with how it's shaping up, and think it may have a decent chance at getting funded. Wait, i didn't say that. Jinx. Dammit!

The silver lining of the weekend's footballing results: Chelsea remain six points off leaders Manchester United. The gray storm cloud: we got beat 2-nil by recent rivals Liverpool, José Mourinho is now openly feuding with the team executives, Andriy Shevchenko is beginning to resent the blame he's received for the team's recent slump (however well deserved it is given his poor play), John Terry remains weeks away from a return from injury, our defense is hemorrhaging goals at this point (where's William Gallas when you need him? Oh yes ... never mind), and we hardly look capable of grinding out result after result as in seasons past, let alone knocking off our primary foes. My preseason prediction that this would be the year the wheels fall off our ego parade are beginning to ring true. Great.

Naomi and Phil came down from the city to give me a few hours respite from my grant writing. At Phil's recommendation we headed to downtown RC to the new Century Theater to catch Pan's Labyrinth. Directed by Hellboy and Blade II alum Guillermo del Toro, i figured by its mythical content (fauns, fairies, and the like) that this was a youth-oriented fantasy flick in the vein of Labyrinth (gee, how could i ever have associated those two?) or the Dark Crystal. Not so. The film, set in 1944 Spain, follows a young girl as she moves with her pregnant mother to live with her new stepfather, a captain in the Spanish army hunting rebel guerrillas camped in the woods. The girl is quickly absorbed in a fantasy world that offers her an alternative to the brutal war-time reality. Her stepfather is revealed as an A-1 asshole, reveling in torture and lording martial law over his village charges. A few scenes assorted nastiness (notoriously, a scene involving a wounded rebel soldier having his leg amputated with a hacksaw) dispel the notion that this was for kids. However, the film excellently balances fantasy and reality and weaves its story without reducing either to cliché. It reminds one of the brutality of the original Grimm's fairy tales, and compares them to the horrors that we encounter in the real world. Highly recommended, just be ready to cringe during a few parts. Strange ... this was the second subtitled Spanish film i'd seen this month.

Veronica and i tried once again to secure a Wii today, having learned that Best Buy and other chains were receiving a shipment. And once again, we were frustrated by horrendous early morning lines and rapid sell-outs at all local vendors. V was reading me an online forum where someone bragged about buying nine this morning, enabling a budding eBay business. Veronica also noted that Craigslist boasted a wealth of new Wii sales ads not long after 10am. Damn profiteers.

When i need a chance to unwind, i've been firing up the (now old, but still wonderful) 360 and playing Rainbow Six: Vegas. Some games are just in tune with your individual playing style, and for me this is one of them. After playing for an hour or so i find myself fluidly ordering my squad around and orchestrating viciously effective sweeps of enemy-controlled rooms. Once i finish the campaign mode (only two stages to go, but from various online reports i've got my work cut out for me), i'll get back to the equally-deserving-but-for-whatever-reason-currently-on-the-back-burner Gears of War.

Stanford colleague Fred gave me another break today by having Sandip and i over to watch the Colts/Patriots AFC championship game over dogs and burgers. From my two years in Boston and having watched the Brady/Belichick tandem repeatedly frustrate Manning and the Colts over the years, i was pulling for the Pats. And after one and a half quarters that sentiment looked like it would be fulfilled early, with New England racing to a 21-3 lead. Indiana native Fred looked crushed, so i reassured him that if Peyton could settle down he could certainly bring the Colts back. And that's how it unfolded ... Manning got over his nerves and began to dissect the Pats defense, Brady had trouble moving the ball placing more pressure on his fatiguing defenders, and the Colts pulled off an impressive 38-34 win. So the monkey of being unable to win the big one is off Manning's back. For now ... he still has to beat the rollercoaster Chicago Bears in the Super Bowl. Once again, it's great offense (Indy) meets great defense (Chitown). Recent experience has emphatically proven that defense wins championships, but the Bears' schizophrenia this year makes it difficult to have faith in them. I'm tentatively picking Manning to finally get his ring.

Back to the grant. Hopefully i'll get a few hours sleep tonight before my orthodontic appointment tomorrow. Orthodontics? Yes, i'll get to that another time.

May take a while to load (500k), but soooo worth it.

When i was in sixth grade, watching Robotech set off a pronounced depression in me. I remember crying myself to sleep after watching the episode where Claudia recounts her troubled relationship with the late Roy Fokker to Lisa over a cup of coffee on a rainy night in Macross City. Perhaps my adolescent psyche wasn't ready to deal with this kind of heartache (i'll save my essay on the emotional maturity of Robotech for another day). I recall a collection of other instances of depression, in particular spending a weekend on the couch reading Charlie and the Chocolate Factory because if i stopped reading and thought for a few seconds i felt like crying. Maybe i had some certifiable issues. But who knew?

As i've entered adulthood, i think i've conquered my depression for the most part and am in general happy with my life. However, there is one situation that continues to produce a hollow, empty feeling in my stomach. I've developed a sort of separation anxiety. It comes in several forms, but is usually incurred after bidding farewell to a friend or set of friends. It can happen when i've spent a week at a conference with a relatively new friend from work, or when i spend a few hours with some old friends that i don't see very often. After going our separate ways, my mind wanders and i find myself lamenting the fact that the fun we had is over, and wondering when or if the group of us will ever find ourselves in this situation again. Perhaps it's a cynical way to assess your life. But my brain falls into this pitfall time and time again.

This afternoon our old friend and Boston roommate Rudha was in Santa Cruz with her new boyfriend, visiting his family from NYC. Veronica and i awoke a bit earlier than our usual Sunday schedule and hopped in the Mini to drive down the 17 to Santa Cruz. I hadn't been down there in quite a few years. We met up with Roo, Doug, and a collection of old SF friends including Greg, Noel, Juliet, baby Josey, Nate, and Green, at Zachary's on Pacific Ave. in downtown SC, and caught up over brunch while Josey stared me away from her yogurt. Our group then drove a few miles toward the ocean to meander around the Boardwalk, another activity in which i hadn't partaken in ages. We went in search of a rollercoaster Greg was keen to ride, but found it was closed for the day. I guess the Boardwalk isn't really a January activity. After Josey and dad took a spin on the merry-go-round, our collective wound up at the arcade. To our amazement we found a four-player Mario Kart setup and had a bunch of multiplayer battles. However as always the good times must come to an end, and we dropped Roo off at Doug's house after leaving the rest of the crew at the old-time ice cream fountain Marianne's.

Maybe it was seeing a group of people that used to be frequent chums for just a few hours before saying goodbye once again. Maybe it was heightened by seeing Marianne's and remembering that i went there once with my old bioengineering class, another group of so-called lost friends. Last year i felt a profound loneliness when Arlene and Ana left after an extended winter holiday, so perhaps i was feeling the effects of their departure earlier this week. By the time the Mini pulled back into Redwood City, that emptiness had taken residence in my gut once more. I think part of my malady relates to a guilt over my inability to keep in touch with friends. That's something i could certainly do something about, but somehow i never seem to. Well, it is the new year ... and i haven't made any resolutions yet. A part of my is afraid of making that promise for fear of letting friends down further. But perhaps the best solution is to use that fear to ensure it doesn't happen.

As many know i'm a bit of a video-aholic. I wouldn't say videophile, because honestly i don't care whether i have 5.1 or 7.2 surround sound, but i definitely get a kick out of my electronic toys. And i therefore know a thing or two about setting these things up. In installing our new DVD home theater system, i found the new DVD unit/receiver was a bit too long to fit in our entertainment center. It went in ok, but didn't allow the rearmost sliding door to close. After reviewing my options, i decided to get some right angle RCA adapters to minimize the amount of space needed to connect the AV cables in the back. I went to Radio Shack and found some gold-plated ones for $3 apiece, and got 5 to handle the audio and component video connections. I go to pay, and the clerk looks at me and launches into this speech about how i shouldn't use these for video. I've been through this before with other electronics store workers giving me the spiel about how i should spend $100 on top-of-the-line cabling, so i said i knew. He asked me if i was using them for video, so i said no. He asked me if i was just using them for phono connections, so i said yes. One word answers i find discourage further sales pitches. After this he tells me, "unlike other stores we know what we're talking about". So do i, buddy. You're trying to get me to spend 10 times more money on something that will not significantly improve the quality of my setup. That crap drives me nuts. Maybe i'm outdated, but i refuse to spend $100 on freakin' cables. Cables should come with the hardware for free. At any rate, i got my connectors and the DVD receiver now allows the entertainment center door to close. And the picture and audio quality are fine.

Veronica just informed me that hero Paul Weller is playing three nights in NYC and LA, making each night specific to the phases of his career (night 1, the Jam, night 2, Style Council, night 3, solo). I would kill to see Weller play an evening of Jam songs, so i began inspecting eBay for tickets to the LA shows. However it turns out the themed nights are for New York only. Dammit. *sigh*

It seems some of those tumbleweeds were less harmless than i suspected ... on her way to work this morning Veronica discovered a five inch crack in the center of her Mini's windshield. Eek. Time to call the autoglass folks. Or the dealer, if i feel like being amused by whatever price they pull out of their ass.

To expound on my bulleted list from earlier today ...

Veronica's family was scheduled to arrive on Wednesday evening, but for two consecutive days the Denver snows kept them in Iowa (luckily at home and not holed up in the airport). They were able to secure three tickets through Chicago to SFO on Sunday, aka Christmas Eve, which put the kibosh on our plans to head down to la-la-land ahead of the holiday. However, it gave us a chance to finish shopping and pick up a late tree to celebrate at home. We spent our Saturday morning hunting for a deal, but only found decent trees at the lone remaining Christmas tree lot along El Camino, in Belmont. They wanted $70 for our pick at 11am, which i was happy to pay but Veronica considered highway robbery. We left and ran some errands, during which i took advantage of Sirius's exclusive Chelsea coverage to hear the climax of the Blues' second consecutive last-minute 3-2 win, courtesy of a late late late Arjen Robben strike against Wigan. After trips to Peet's, K-Mart, Toys R' Us, and A.G. Ferrari, our resolve weakened and we returned to shamefully accept a tree deal, getting a different tree for the slightly less insulting sum of $55. I called my parents to let them know we'd be in the Bay Area for another few days, so they brought my visiting sister Emily, her husband Jared, and their in utero child "Tadpole" over for dinner. After we caught up for a while, they headed back to Fremont while V and i prepared the tree.

V had the nice idea of printing our own tree topper, using the Roo-designed ana-girl fairy. Tara watched mostly bored.

After a whirlwind cleaning binge on Sunday followed by a relaxing Christmas eve at my Aunt's house in Burlingame, we headed to SFO to fetch triple A. The indomitable Ana returned to our house to find Santa had visited in our absence, leaving her a Nintendo DS, a Hello Kitty guitar, an assortment of custom printed ana-girl paraphernelia from Cafepress, and a variety of other goodies. I got a nice 4AD graphic design compendium, a Timberland long-sleeve polo that's more sweater than shirt (alright in my book), the Mr. Show season one dvd, the Xbox Live Vision webcam from Veronica, and a few other tidbits. We passed out after the present-opening festivities, at the late late hour of 2:30am.

After a brief Christmas breakfast of Alan-made pancakes, and an amusing stint creating custom multiplayer Rainbow Six: Vegas character models using my new Xbox 360 camera, we hopped into our two cars (Alan and i in the Jetta, and the de la Mora girls, including Tara, in the Mini) and headed down the 101 to the 152 to the 5. We arrived at Veronica's aunt's house around 9pm, to a Jose-prepared meal of carne asada. Tara got introduced to the Villanueva's six dogs, and after a chilly reception was left on her own in the living room while the other canines were sequestered elsewhere in the house. Tara discovered the chihuahuas' food bowl, which is kept full so they can eat at their leisure. Tara isn't familiar with this tactic, devouring her meals as soon as they reach mouth-level. So she furtively proceeded to eat about a cup and a half of dog food, absconding after each mouthful to chew in hiding only to return to steal another bite. As Veronica's uncle George was at the house as well, we did a late Christmas gift exchange once George's daughter Jessi awoke from a nap. I got some office tools from Veronica's grandmother, a desktop motorcycle clock from the Villanuevas, and a set of two humorous pirate novels from Naomi.

With nothing much planned for the day after the holiday, we slept in and played with the dogs. Tara warmed up a bit to the chihuahuas, and was even somewhat accepted by the more menacing German shepherd and boxer outside. We wondered if Tara associated one of the little brown chihuahuas with her old crotchety companion Pepe. We decided to catch an early-evening showing of Rocky Balboa on George's recommendation, using the movie passes he'd given us the night before. Alan and Ana opted instead for the more kid-amusing Charlotte's Web. As i entered Sly Stallone's somewhat farcical attempt to relive his glory days with absolutely no expectations whatsoever, i wasn't disappointed. It wasn't a BAD film, persay ... its heart was in the right place, and the fight scenes were as rousing as those pitting the Italian Stallion against Mr. T or the hulking Russian. Arlene was less than impressed, but i contend that my enjoyment of it was produced by my complete refusal to expect any redeeming qualities from the film whatsoever.

We headed back north on Wednesday, getting on the road around 3pm and making a stop for assorted Mexican cooking ingredients for Alan's planned culinary adventures. This time Alan and i took the Mini with Ana and Tara, while Arlene and Veronica drove the Jetta, with Veronica's grandmother in tow. We hit a nasty storm crossing the grapevine, with freezing rain pelting us across Tejon pass. As Alan and i were descending into the Central Valley, i got a call from Veronica informing me they were about 5 miles behind us and nearly out of gas. Great. It seems she was looking for the trip computer's estimate of how far they could get on the gas remaining (5 miles), and instead misinterpreted the distance travelled on the current trip (86 miles). Oops. I advised her to turn around and head to the nearest gas station in Lebec, which she luckily reached on fumes. We reconnoitered at the Starbucks at the bottom of the grapevine, and proceeded on until stopping for dinner at Red Robin in Harris Ranch. Returning to the road, our cars were pelted by tumbleweeds propelled by high winds for the next ten miles. Really disturbing actually ... some of those suckers were as big as cars and were impossible to avoid. Luckily the car turned most of them to dust on impact. Alan, Ana, Tara, and i got home at 12:30am, while the three generations of de la Mora women stopped at Wal-Mart (egad) in Gilroy to get an air mattress.

Our post-Christmas pre-New Year's days were spent with Veronica's family crammed into our little house. V and i slept on an air mattress in the living room, distinctly uncomfortable especially with Tara hopping on. We did some window shopping on University Ave. in Palo Alto on Thursday, and then mostly kicked it at home on Friday. I ran out for a bit to pick up Veronica's belated Christmas gift. She'd requested a home theater system, along with a way of listening to her iPod in the living room. I solved both requests with a Sony DVD 5.1 surround sound setup, and a DLO Homedock Deluxe that allows an iPod to be controlled through a TV interface and output to a stereo system. Purchased from Best Buy in part using two gift cards given to Veronica and i by my aunt, uncle, and cousin. No major incompatibilities with the new hardware and my current setup, but i then had to figure out how to install the surround speakers without running speaker wire all over creation. This effort was postponed on Saturday while we headed to the city to take Ana to the Exploratorium. She bounded from exhibit to exhibit like a whirling dervish, seemingly most interested in the sensory illusions. That evening norcal expatriate Kevin visited us for a meal of Alan-made empanadas, bringing along his new Wii to try out. He, Veronica, Ana, and i gave Wii Sports a try. Bowling with the motion-sensitive "Wiimote" was a lot of fun, the contest won surprisingly by the Wii-natural Ana. She fared less well at tennis, in which i almost brained several people with my vicious backhands. Boxing was so-so, while baseball was amusing. We ended the evening with a few rounds of golf, during which Ana's lack of skill boiled into frustration and the inevitable meltdown. Her tirade was short-lived however, and Kevin left us to slumber around 2am with Veronica's desire to obtain a new Nintendo strengthened.

I completed my surround sound installation on New Year's Eve. Alan graciously offered to poke around the insulation-coated attic to check the feasibility of running the speaker wire through the wall. Turns out there's a gap in the wall behind the entertainment center, but there's a crossbeam halfway up that would prevent the speaker wires from running from the floor to the picture rail. Thwarted in this effort, i resolved to run the wire up the acute junction between this wall and the fireplace until it reached the picture rail. I was then able to conceal the wires behind this rail and run them to the hanging front and rear speakers. Upon installation, i tested the system using our 5.1-compatible Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl dvd. The battle on the high seas shook the house ... booyakasha. The Homedock installation went swimmingly, and Veronica is now free to rock out at high volume. After expending most of my energy on this endeavor, i relaxed and awaited the new year over a dinner of homemade posole. By this point Arlene had developed a nasty cold, and i too was feeling a bit crappy. We counted down to midnight with a decided lack of enthusiasm, and rung it in with Ana celebrating in a manner Veronica had tried while in Boston ... revelling with the residents of Kandyton in Animal Crossing. I used this opportunity to finish reading the final Age of Apocalypse collection, bringing the enthralling alternate reality to a conclusion. The closing episodes instilled an interest in other X-Men storylines, particularly the Legacy Virus.

A mediocre night's sleep on the crappy air mattress reassured me i was just tired and not ill. We arranged for a New Year's meal at Kan Zeman with Veronica's uncle George and co., but were thwarted as our favorite Meditteranean joint decided to take the day off. We opted instead for a mostly empty P.F. Chang's, and were joined by Naomi and Phil. The get-together concluded with another surround sound Pirates demo, and a few rounds of solo Guitar Hero II. Alan, Arlene, and to a lesser extent Ana then readied for their trip back to Iowa the following morning.

Today i headed back to Stanford to begin tackling the work i'd shirked during my holiday sojourn, as always saddened by the departure of my occasional insanity-inducing but ever-entertaining in-laws. I caught the third consecutive Chelsea draw via live Soccernet commentary, a drab nil-nil encounter with recent bogey team Aston Villa in which the Blues dominated possession and marauded the midlands outfit's goal but couldn't put one in the back of the net. The result leaves us six points behind in-form Manchester United, with our defense impatiently awaiting the return of injured skipper John Terry (made even more anxious by the recent injury to stopgap summer signing Khalid Boulahrouz) and our attackers struggling to convert chances. With the January transfer window having swung open, i wouldn't doubt Mr. Abramovich to open his pocketbook and begin buying wildly once more. My preseason prediction that our expensive squad may buckle under its own weight is looking more and more correct. Convincing massive egos to coexist is fine when you're winning, but when you're slipping into second place while the leaders gain ground, those egos become less compatible. My prediction for the second half of the season? If United continues to play as they are, it's done and dusted ... they take the title. Otherwise it'll be a tight race, if only because i don't see Chelsea kicking it into the high gear of the last two seasons where they could grind out results and win week in week out.

Veronica's grandmother is going to remain with us for a bit, and we entertained the Spanish-speaker this evening by taking her down the El Camino to the Guild Theater in Menlo Park to see Pedro Almodóvar's latest Volver. A sometimes funny, sometimes depressing, always interesting tale of a splintered family and their departed mother, it was a wonderful end to my winter break.

The holiday with the in-laws was eventful (as expected), and not as restful as hoped (also not requiring Kreskin to predict). As i will relate in more detail when i find myself with time on my hands, the holiday included:

• buying a last minute Christmas tree for the Veronica-rejected sum of $55,
• acquainting Tara with the drive up and down the 5,
• the aforementioned doggie experiencing déjà vu with another brown chihuahua,
• testing the concept that expectations dictate affections with Rocky Balboa,
• fighting freezing rain and mammoth tumbleweeds while crossing the grapevine,
• sleeping on assorted air mattresses for a week straight,
• dining on a variety of Alan-prepared Mexican delights including posole, empanadas, and much much guacamole,
• introducing a manic Ana to the Exploratorium,
• watching the usual winter warriors Chelsea slump to a disappointing but not unexpected three straight draws over the holidays, and
• spending three days devising a way to install a 5.1 channel surround sound system in our living room without wires running everywhere.

I returned to work this morning with two big grants to generate by March 1. Yip-e-kai-ay, motherf@$#er.

i'm getting 'round to thinking that today could bring me down
the curse that swarms around me leaves a bad taste in my mouth
i never understand how you could want to stand so near
'cause if i had the time i would be anywhere but here

tell me if all the things i feel are always wrong
tell me that if i got you down would that be wrong?